Kiss Or Dare?
by faerie.kin
Summary: "I dare you...to kiss Malfoy." They said to a wide-eyed Hermione Granger. "But he's with his dad!" She shrieked. They nodded evilly, "Uh huh." Full Summary Inside! DMxHG!
1. Unintentional Drag Queen

Full Summary:  
>After one summer, Hermione Granger returns a changed girl. She is confident and more beautiful then ever before! And she introduces a little muggle game called spin the bottle to Hogwarts. The students go CRAAZY for it and Hermione is elated, that is until she is dared to snog the hell out of Draco Malfoy, in front of none other than his daddy! DMxHG! Its hard to pack an entire story into a summary so give it a read n see for yourself!<p>

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, only the plot! :D

**I decided to write this story to balance out the seriousness of my other fanfiction. I had a GREAT time writing it, and some of the images that popped into my head had me laughing crazily! I hope you guys enjoy it.. and review!**

**I want reviews so I know i'm not wasting my time! And to feel some appreciation! **

**10 reviews needed for the next chappie!**

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><p>.o.<p>

"Blimey, Harry." Ron exclaimed, mouth hanging open like a dog's. Harry looked to where his ginger friend pointed and both of his eyebrows shot up. Yes, both of them! This was the first time the two boys were seeing their brunette bestie since they'd departed for the summer holidays. The'd thought that they'd be spending two weeks together but she had had other plans. She'd jetted off to Morocco for the summer. "Hermione!" Harry called to her at the same time as Ron shouted, "What's happened to you?" Their eyes scanned her, from her toes to the top of her head. And Ron's went back down to.. yes you guessed it, her bosom. "Eyes up here Ron." Was the first thing she said, clicking her fingers in front the oversized sunglasses that rested on her nose. Ron's ears turned red as he fumbled over words, trying to apologize.

Harry was undeterred; he had a bone to pick with her. "Hermione! Where exactly have you been? We've been trying to get in contact with you! You've been ignoring us this whole summer. We thought the worst!" She waved a hand in the air, almost like she was dismissing Harry's words, "Please Harry, don't be such a granny." Harry stopped mid-step, growing more and more irritated. He jogged to catch up with her relentless pace, "How can I be a granny, Hermione?" Harry said logically, his frustration apparent on his face "I'm a boy..!"

She smiled, and cleared her throat while pushing her sunglasses up to rest on her head, "Who knows what you have down there!" Ron gaped at her and she giggled, "Close your mouth, boy." She said while leaning forwards to push his chin upwards. "Let's get on the train! Before we get late!" Harry and Ron exchanged dazed looks and then hurried after her. Harry leaped onto the train as its horn sounded and it started to move off. Ron whimpered and after a seconds hesitation he followed Harry, stumbling as the train picked speed.

They walked from compartment to compartment, searching for their seemingly now-crazy friend. They found her sitting cross legged on the floor of compartment G4, with Lavender, Lisa, Hannah and the Patil Twins. They were crowded around what seemed like a plastic bottle. "There you two are!" Hermione exclaimed, "I waited and waited!" Ron rolled his eyes, muttering angrily and Harry could help but agree. Hermione budged over to allow room for the boys, who sat down moodily. "Dare." Said Lisa, as soon as the skinny side of the bottle stopped to point at her. Hermione smiled and rubbed her hands together dramatically, "go sit outside for a minute." As soon as Lisa left, Harry and Ron were surprised when the girls began planning a horribly embarrassing task for the poor Ravenclaw to perform. "Come iiiin!" A giggling Lavender said in a sing-song tone. Lisa's expression would be described as 'horrified' by norm folks like you and I, when she was told what she must do.

.o.

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><p>.o.<p>

"I hope this year is more eventful than the last." Said Draco Malfoy as snottily as he could, though he was speaking to no one in particular, Blaise nodded in agreement. Suddenly a strawberry blonde Ravenclaw girl dashed past him, straight into a Slytherin Compartment, he recalled her as Lisa Turpin. Draco stopped and waited to see what she was doing. The short girl jumped onto Crabbe, wrapping her legs around his bulky body and snogged the bejeezes out of him. Draco was surprised to say the least, people cheered and cat-called. _Okay so maybe it will be a more eventful year!_

"Draco-o!" A shriek from a nearby compartment almost made him tumble over in shock. Pansy Parkinson waved furiously, "Draco-o-o! Yoooo-hooo" Draco seethed, "I hear you, you crazy woman! Stop yelling like a bloody banshee!" He barked over the heads of younger students, not even attempting to hide his annoyance. He stalked over to her compartment and slammed the glass door shut, he cast a couple of enchantments.

Draco grinned and pulled his tongue at the glass, he crossed his eyes and danced around in circles, "You are a crazy bitch, I hate you-u-u. And your fat daddy! Who is fat and smells like shit, and leaves butt sweat stains on every chair he sits o-on!" Draco Malfoy danced and sang, both badly of course. But he knew it didn't matter. The enchantments he had casted on himself and the door eliminated him from being seen or heard-

"What the fuck are you doing, Malfoy?" Draco gasped, horrified. The enchantments hadn't worked. He shrieked as Blaise stared at him with an expression that was just as horrified as his own. That meant that _everyone _had seen his little act. He spun to Parkinson who had a murderous look on her face, she pulled open the compartment door, "I am going to _kill _you Draco Malfoy. I am going to burn your genitals and then send them to your greasy father!"

Draco screeched, terrified. Her idea wasn't one that satisfied Draco, he ran in the opposite direction; he was NOT ready to lose his genitals. He slammed first years into the side of the train, ignoring their cries as he raced on, that was until he smashed straight into a wall. "No no no no no no!" He clawed at the wall, desperate to kind some kind of latch or handle. "There you are!" Pansy Parkinson had a manic expression on her face, she chuckled evilly and moved out of the shadow, revealing two girls behind her. They raised their weapons and pounced on the platinum-haired boy. His ear-piercing screams echoed throughout the entire train.

.o.

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><p>.o.<p>

Hermione skipped along the train, trying to find the source of the deranged screaming. "Granger!" She heard from her right. Blaise started unashamedly at her, drinking her appearance up. Hermione Granger had exposed her slender long legs, covering only the top eighth with a short pleated skirt. She wore a red halter neck top that gave a teaser of cleavage. Her long luscious curls spilled over her slender shoulders and down to her mid-back, like a chocolate waterfall. "Zabini." She regarded him and strutted away, leaving a baffled boy staring after her.

But a few minutes, she stumbled upon a very bizarre scene. Draco Malfoy was sitting like a chicken, he wore a yellow polka-dot dress, his face was covered in mismatched make-up; he wore smudged pink lipstick, blue eyeshadow, false lashes on one eye, and green, yes... green blusher. He tried to speak but he couldn't, somebody must have casted a silencing charm on him. Hermione burst into uncontrollable laughter, clutching at her stomach, she brushed the tears away and assumed he couldn't move either. Smirking, she removed her wand from her left boot and swished it gently, "_Wingardium Leviosa_." Draco Malfoy flapped his arms and legs in protest, as he was raised off the ground. "I think you need to be taught a lesson Mr Malfoy. Let's see if you can take what you so gladly dish out!" On that day, a seemingly Drag-Queen Draco Malfoy was paraded along the train for all to see. He was the laughing stock. As they neared the end of the train, Draco Malfoy dared to hope that the worst of it was over.

Oh, how wrong that poor boy was...

.o.

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><p><strong>Any good?<strong>

**10 reviews for chapter number two!**

**Faerie x**


	2. Nursing the Buttocks

**WOW. Thank you for giving more reviews than i asked for! You guys are SO awesome for giving me a chance! )  
><strong>**I tried to make this chapter just as amusing.**

**Lol some of the stuff put me off my lunch!  
><em>What? <em>I hear you cry... ****Hehehh, read on and you'll find out!**

**For this chapter I want.. Dare i say it... 15 reviews!**

**That is _if_ you want the next chapter to be posted :D**

**Disclaimer: I own only the plot bro. No need for no suin' or nethin'.**

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><p>Draco Malfoy was red in the face as he raced to the Hogwarts Bathrooms. <em>How dare they? <em>As if it hadn't been bad enough already, Granger decided to levitate him all the way to Hogwarts, and set him down in front of the entire student body. The appalled expression on Professor Snape's face had been enough to have Draco bolting in the opposite direction. He pushed open the door and walked cautiously to the mirrors. He shrieked when he saw his reflection. "Parkinson, you bitch!" He shouted hysterically. Taking a closer look at his green blusher, he hated her even more, "You could of at least given me a more natural look." He didn't even have his wand, so he'd have to clean his face manually.

Draco scrubbed his cheeks furiously, he pulled of the false lashes and yelped as felt his natural lashes rip away with the false ones. The mascara ran down his face, he seemed to look even worse than before. He hated those bitches. And he vowed to get them back, just as soon as he got out of the embarrassing dress-

"Need some help, Malfoy?" Draco jumped, startled to the bone.

Hermione Granger chuckled, "Don't worry Mally, I won't hurt you." She was stood in the doorway. Draco narrowed his eyes and his mouth tightened with disgust, "I want my wand, Mudblood." She laughed, "I don't have it. Parkinson does." He stood up angrily and just before the insults rolled of his tongue, she said, "Just because your wearing a dress doesn't mean that you get to use the girl's bathroom." Draco refused to believe her, she was just trying embarrass him further. "You think I'm lying?" She walked over to him, and whispered, "Where are the urinals?" in his ear. Draco looked around, trying to act casual, but inside he wished desperately to find one, but he was a fool to wish. His eyes widened and he whimpered as he turned to rush out but she grabbed his arm and led him to a cubicle. She put the lid down and made him sit on the seat. She removed her wand from her left boot the way she had before. Draco let his shoulder's slump in defeat as she muttered a few charms whilst moving the wand around in circles atop his head. She stepped back to examine her handiwork, "Nothing i can do about the dress though, Mally."

"Stop with the Mally shit!" Draco shouted into her chest. She snickered, "As long as you're wearing a dress, you're Mally to me."

Draco spluttered in response as she strutted out, ignoring him completely. Draco checked his reflection out, his face was normal.. Thank the Lord! Then he looked down at his _dress._ Tugging at it, he panicked as it got stuck around his shoulders, but he pulled until he heard it tear and threw it on the floor as quickly as he could. Now he was standing in the girl's bathroom... in nothing but, yes, his boxers and socks, but he was glad that he wasn't in the dress, "Shit. That's one thing i never thought i would think.."

Once outside, Draco looked at the door and sure enough it had the girl's bathroom witch hat sign on it. He cursed, whilst smacking his forehead, grumbling he tip-toed past the Great Hall entrance, in his head he begged Dumbledore to give the longest speech EVER. As soon as he passed the large doors, a half naked Draco Malfoy ran like a lunatic all the way to the Slytherin Dungeons and was elated to find his trunk already on the four-poster bed. Once back in clothes that didn't give mixed signals concerning his sexual orientation, Draco Malfoy vowed to get both bitches that had been responsible for his humiliation, back. He vowed he would make them feel one hundred times worse than he had.

.o.

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><p>Harry groaned as food finally appeared magically in the golden plates, "I'm sure that was the lo-ongest speech Dumbledore has EVER given." The others nodded wryly. Everybody was a little bit deflated after sitting on the hard benches for two hours. "I'm sure that it'll make it into Hogwarts: A History, Hermione." Harry said, nudging her whist waggling his monobrow. Hermione ignored him completely and he went back to forking his pork chop. "I don't know about you lot," Ron said, his face contorted painfully, "But my arse hurts." Harry spluttered as the butterbeer caught in his throat and Hermione and Ginny looked disgusted as they set down their utensils, deciding they could not eat with the image of Ron's sore red arse in their heads. Ron merely lifted himself so he hovered over the bench and rubbed his bum gently, almost as though he was nursing it.<p>

"Urgh!" Cries of protest broke out around Ron, as he used the same hand to pick up a roasted chicken leg. Most of the students jumped up, utterly repulsed and headed for the Horwarts grounds.

"What's this I've been hearing about Lisa snogging Crabbe?" Ginny asked Hermione as they plonked themselves onto the freshly cut grass. Hermione inspected her nails, a bored expression on her face, "What about it? Lisa kissed Crabbe, Crabbe enjoyed it..." When Ginny's expression was as confused as before, Hermione smiled apologetically, "It was a dare."

Ginny's eyebrows twiched, "A dare?" Hermione reached into her bag and pulled out the notorious plastic bottle. Students began to gather around them.

"Yes." She whispered mischievously, "A dare."

.o.

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><p>Severus Snape sat at the desk in his study, trying to mark the work he was supposed to have marked over the summer. He gazed at the ceiling as he flipped papers and scrawled the letter F on them without even a glance. After a minute or so, he felt for paper but there was no more. "All done!" He sang, grinning. Severus was a little dazzled as he spotted the F on his table, he chuckled quietly. He could say that without a doubt this summer had been the best he'd ever had, long hot days of lying on the beach butt-naked. His tan as one the females craved for. Not too orange, yet not pink either. Snape pulled his robes up to inspect the colour of his belly, he was delighted to find it just as beautiful as before. He was sure that it was this tan that was responsible for getting him so much action-<p>

The tapping on the door interupted his thoughts. "Yes?" He growled angrily, whilst trying to yank the robe back down over his middle.

The door inched open and Blaise Zabini slinked in. "Hello... Professor." He murmured seductively, he ran one finger along his nether lip. Shutting the door behind him, Blaise smiled as he caught sight of his teacher's exposed front, "I needed some... help..." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at the Potions Professor, watching as his teacher slid further back into his seat, a petrified expression on his way too orange face.

.o.

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><p><strong>Okay I know it was short, but this chapter is a bridge to a whole load of funny!<strong>

**15 reviews for Chapter 3 :D**

**Faerie x**


	3. The Bearded Bride

**O.M.G Thank you guys for giving me more reviews than I asked for.. again!  
>And thank you for all the alerts!<br>I love you people ;)**

**Okay so the next chapter is freshly written, please forgive the delay I have been VERY busy.  
>I want a minimum of 15 reviews before I post the next chapter.. MUHAHA (Thats an evil laugh!)<strong>

**No more dilly dally!**

**Disclaimer: I am the filth on Ms Rowling's shoes. I do not own her work! :D Hahah.**

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><p>.o.<p>

"20 points from Slytherin." Said Professor Snape. The student's jaws dropped _below _the floorboards.

"But Professor!" Draco protested, however Snape was quick to silence him. "10 _more_ points from Slytherin! I am the teacher here, Mr Malfoy. I do not require your back talking!" Severus Snape was in a foul mood. He had NOT forgotten the events of the previous night, he was in such foul a mood that he was taking points off his _own_ house. But there was a good reason for it; If his _own _students would plan such atrocious things against him, he would return the favour.

"What's up with Snape today?" A gleeful Ron asked his scar-headed friend. Harry Potter shrugged his shoulders, he was just as baffled, if not more. A nudge and point from Ron made Harry divert his attention to his other best friend. She had decided to sit away from them, much to Ron's disappointment.

Harry reached over to the desk behind them and knocked on it, trying to get her attention. Hermione seemed not to notice him anymore and was laughing and gossiping with a group of girls, when she finally stopped giggling and glanced at him, he tried to speak as quickly as possible, "Whasappenedtasnaape!" He slapped a hand over his mouth when he realised he'd shouted it instead.

Not even a second later, a red-faced Snape was towering over his desk, "CARE TO REPEAT THAT, POTTER?" Harry heard Nevielle whimper beside him, but tried to be confident, "No Sir, it was nothing." Looking closely, Harry was sure he could see steam drifting out of the Professor's left ear, unfortunately Snape noticed. "And what is so interesting behind me!" Snape yelled while looking over his shoulder, when Harry just stared straight at him with a blank face, Severus Snape lost all control, "ANSWER MEEE!" He roared wildly, and Harry heard Nevielle yelp in utter fear.

Harry realised that this was that moment where he'd have to sacrifice himself to save the shuddering innocent next to him. In his mind he put on his Superman costume, "I was merely looking at that beautiful quill on your desk, Sir." Snape's expression became smooth and his voice became low and dangerous, "You _dare _mock me, Potter." The Superman costume in Harry's mind became two sizes too small, and ripped in the most embarrassing area.

Thankfully an argument broke out on the opposite side of the room and Snape pounced over to their table, ready to terrorise them instead.

Harry sighed and looked at Nevielle, whose face was white and sweaty, "I'm sorry Harry, Snape really scares me. I hope those shoes aren't new." Harry opened his mouth to assure Nevielle that it was no problem, but he followed the boy's gaze to the floor and was horrified to find a pool of yellow circling their stools. Harry shrieked and pulled his legs up, only to be splattered with the strong smelling urine of one Nevielle Longbottom.

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><p>.o.<p>

Hermione could not help but burst out uncontrollable laughter as Ron explained that the yellow stains underneath Harry's stool had not been spilt potion, but the result of Nevielle's fear. The news travelled rapidly as people overheard their conversation, and when Harry walked into the Great Hall for lunch, the students couldn't help but laugh when they caught sight of the bright pink wellies on his feet. Harry shuffled quickly to his seat next to Ron, his face slowly turning into a colour similar to the embarrassing wellies he'd borrowed.

Without them even asking, Harry answered the question on their minds, "They're the only footwear that Filch had... Lost property."

Everybody felt a little bit awkward, but Hermione took pity on her friend. Slinging an arm over his shoulder she whispered into his ear, "I'll answer your question." Harry gave her a puzzled look to which she grinned and gave him a hint, "What's happened to Snape?" He nodded slightly and reached forward to grab a croissant. "Weell.." Hermione said, a mischievous glint in her eye, "It was a dare!" Harry was still confused, but Hermione continued, "Ginny dared Zabini to flirt with Snape!" Harry's mouth dropped open and his croissant hit the floor. Hermione snickered, "We managed to gather a few things... Number one, Snape is _not_ gay. And number two, _nor_ is he a paedophile!" She checked both things off on her manicured fingers.

Harry laughed a little, feeling better. "How did Ginny and Blaise even get together to dare each other?" Hermione guffawed. "Harry! Didn't you hear about the Kiss or Dare we do every lunch?" Harry shook his head, and Hermione squeezed his arm;

"You HAVE to come today!"

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><p>.o.<p>

"You did _what_?" Draco was disgusted, he could not even fathom what kind of torture Blaise had undergone that made him.. _seduce_ Professor Snape, He felt the vomit rising up to his throat as an UNWANTED image rushed into his mind. "Urgh!" He grunted as he steadied himself. Blaise merely laughed, "It was good-hearted fun! That Weasley girl has a dirty mind, I tell you."

Draco sneered, "My _shit _is cleaner than _her_!"

Blaise frowned, "No need to bring your faeces into it, mate. Besides, she's not too bad you know... and nor is Granger." Draco gawked, "You've gone mad!" He pointed his finger at his friend's chest accusingly which Blaise calmly pushed aside, and grabbed him by the shoulder, "You are just gonna have to experience it yourself!"

Draco's eyes widened and he shouted as Blaise dragged him along the corridors, "No-oo!" He screeched, "I do NOT wanna shag Snape!" Blaise almost fell over, _there is no way he is that dumb? _

He decided to milk it regardless, "Yes you have to! How else are you gonna become a MAN?" Draco whimpered as he grabbed hold of a pillar and Blaise yanked him away from it, "I wanna be a _straight_ ma-an!" Draco yelled, feeling embarrassingly close to tears. Blaise smirked, and feeling a little sorry he decided to put his friend out of his misery, trying not to burst out laughing, he smiled at Draco, "Okay, I won't make you shag Snape." Draco sighed and Blaise chuckled, "I wasn't going to anyway, you moron."

Draco didn't know whether to be grateful or mortified. He'd made an utter fool of himself... yet again. He decided to go with his most used strategy; DENY DENY DENY;

"Yeah I knew man." He said coolly, prepping his collar. "I was, you know, just going along with it. Good-hearted er, fun."

Blaise nodded sarcastically, "Sure mate, whatever makes you feel better."

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><p>.o.<p>

Hermione was pleasantly surprised to find that the number of students had doubled since the previous day. After persuading Harry to come along they'd hauled Ron together. Ron's was sulking and huffed every now and then, but was following them nevertheless. Hermione spotted Zabini and greeted him with a friendly wave which he returned cheerfully, much to Ron's dislike. Cheers erupted as Hermione pulled the muggle-made plastic bottle out of her bag.

.

Transfiguration had always interested Hermione Granger, but today she was bursting with excitement as she walked into the familiar woody room. Professor McGonagol stood authoritatively beside her desk, asking for quiet. "Right students," Her voice was straining above the noise, which eventually calmed down when she put a stern expression on her face. "Today we will be moving on to the next part of the syllabus, you're to transfigure the goblets in front of you-"

"Moo." Minerva was used to strange outbursts, so she merely ignored Ron Weasley's cow imitation. After giving him a disciplining look she continued.

"Into pigeons. After that, transfigure the bird back into a goblet which must be of a _different _colour. Once you-"

"Moo!" He was louder this time, and scattered giggles were heard. Minerva simply ignored him, not even sending him a strict glance. But she did raise her voice a little, "Once you-"

"MOO!"

Now she was annoyed.

She waited patiently for the laughter to subside before she decided to question the boy. Walking calmly over to his desk she proceeded to question him, "Something the matter, Mr Weasley?" He shook his head. She tittered, "Well, then why are you-"

"MO-O-O-O!" He yelled it this time, wiggling his head about as though he were actually an animal. His breath rushed into her face and she felt heat creep up her wrinkled neck.

"For what reason have you come to my lesson as a dairy cow?" He didn't answer, but she was just glad he hadn't moo'd. Sighing, she turned to go back to her desk, only to be deafened by the ginger boy behind her,

"MOO-O-O-O-O-OOOO!"

"RIGHT. OUT MR WEASLEY! GET OUT! GO TO PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE RIGHT NOW. AND DON'T YOU DARE-"

Staggering out, Ron paused in the doorway after hearing the Y word, leaning his head into the classroom he made eye-contact with the flustered teacher, taunting her. In a quiet voice voice he gave her a final farewell;

"Moo." He whispered, his expression very serious. The laughter broke out across the classroom and spread like a plague.

With a wiggle of his brows, Ron Weasley sauntered across the hallway, leaving his classmates in awe and belly-aching hysterics and his teacher a bewildered mess.

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><p>.o.<p>

Draco Malfoy leaned lazily against the door frame, "Pansy." He acknowledged her approvingly. She adjusted her sprawled out body in a way that _she _thought was ehem 'sexy'.

Draco raised his brows, "I was thinking of.. spending the night."

She smirked happily, "I knew you couldn't resist me for long. And I knew you couldn't wait for me until we are married."

Draco threw up a little in his mouth, but opened his mouth in mock-shock. "However did you know my darling?" Gliding over to her bed, he conjured two mugs of warm butterbeer. Passing one over to her, he sat himself down at the edge. To Draco's horror, she leaned forward, lips puckered for a kiss. He dodged her pugged face and pretended he hadn't noticed at all. The revulsion rose rapidly and he felt the need to hurry this up. "Drink up!" He said cheerfully and she did just that and within seconds she was out cold. Stinky drool dribbled down her mouth and Draco felt that nauseating sensation again.

.

Pansy stirred after a time, her head felt heavy and her shoulder was numb. Turning her head, she noticed that Draco's head was on her arm. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was a huge grin. He noticed her watching him and lifted his head, "I should go." She raised her hand to protest but he was already up. He pointed at the mirror on the opposite wall, the grin was gone and in its place was a look of contempt. _Ehh, _she thought dismissively, _Draco and his mood swings. _Strutting over to the mirror, Pansy screamed as she caught sight of her face.

Most of her face was covered in a long scraggly black beard whose length would rival that even of Dumbledore's beard. She shrieked as she yanked at it, begging it come away. It would not move, she spun around to the smirking boy she longed to be wed to, "What have you done to me Malfoy?" She demanded loudly, "You made me look like a _MAN_!"

He sniggered mockingly, "Aww don't give me all the credit. You were doing a good job of it yourself."

Pansy fumed, "Get back here you *insert beep sounds*!" Draco ignored the rude insults she shouted at him, instead he offered her a little valuable piece of information, "The effects will wear off in about a month Pansy. Don't worry!" He said over his shoulder. She ran towards him, howling insanely but halted just before the Common Room entrance. There was no way she was going in there.

Draco could hear her growling but was not bothered, revenge was WAY too sweet. The platinum haired boy headed to The Great Hall, a browned haired vixen in the forefront of his mind.

_One down, _he thought smugly, _One to go._

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><p><strong>.o.<strong>

**Any ideas for how Draco gets our favourite Gryffindorian girlie back?  
>Please don't hesitate to question and query.<strong>

**15 reviews for Chapter 4!**  
><strong>Get reviewing! :)<strong>


	4. Blackmailed

**Hi hi :D**

**Eek.. I'm losing confidence in my writing ability, I literally feel like this chapter is so crappy. :( and I should go and crawl into a dark hole somewhere o.O**

**But I hope you don't think so and I made myself write it because your reviews are so lovely.**

**Please leave a review and you HONEST opinion. Pretty much the same drill - 15 reviews for the next instalment :P**

**Disclaimer: It's called a fanfiction for a reason. You can't figure it out? Okay let me help you; FAN fiction. Yeahh I'm a FAN not a freak trying to take credit for JKR's work :O Uff imagine!**

**.o.**

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><p>"I get why everybody likes this game so much now!" Ron said before jamming a cupcake into his gob. Hermione was much too smug to let his filthy manners ruin her mood. She'd brought Ron around, but her other bestie was sitting glumly by her side, looking sceptical behind his round glasses, "Ron, all you got was a month's detention and a teacher that glares at the beef." He said gravely. They turned to look up at the staff table and indeed he was right! They watched as their Transfiguration professor raised her fork and began attacking the beef loin. Ron began howling with laughter and his friends smacked him on the back when he choked on his fifth cupcake.<p>

When he was able to breathe Ron made quite a clever suggestion, "Why *cough* don't you-" He pointed his finger at Harry and coughed again, "dare our 'Mione any dare."

Hermione beamed, "Ron! Thats a fantastic idea!" Ron blushed and shrugged his shoulders. Harry was not amused, "It's not going to make me change my mind." Hermione made her best puppy dog face and Ron followed suit. Harry looked at his friends, Hermione was hard to resist but Ron's face looked as though he'd just smelled a donkey's ass. Chuckling, Harry nodded.

.o.

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><p>"I am most appalled at my son's behaviour Professor Dumbledore, and Lord Parkinson you have my sincerest regrets." Lucius Malfoy was not a man who apologised, but on this day he apologised not only to one person, but <em>two<em>! He was furious at Draco, did he not understand how beneficial marrying Lord Parkinson's daughter would be for both their finances and blood status? Instead of bathing in mere gold coins, Lucius could finally bathe in the paperest of monies and shower in the finest of jewels-

He was snapped out of his daydream by the grunting struggle of Lord Parkinson; the man's bulging bottom was stuck in the seat. Lucius stood quickly and pulled his son up to help- though he doubted this was enough manpower. Lucius hid his disgust as he leaned over the fat man who seemed to be sweating gravy. "Just pull my arm, son." Lord Parkinson held his arm out to Draco and Lucius scowled at Draco until he took it. He tugged and a symphony of farts erupted from his future father-in-law. "That's better." Lord Parkinson said, a satisfied serene look on his face. Draco retched and ran from the room.

Lucius stared after his son, and gave up trying to free the retched farting man from the chair. Lord Parkinson smiled at Professor Dumbledore who had been trying to suppress laughter the entire time. "You mind if I take the chair, Albus? I think it likes me." The white haired Head Master couldn't hold it in any longer, he wheezed loudly as the laughter broke out of his mouth, he pointed at the large man and cackled. "Take it!" He said as he tried to get his breath back.

Albus Dumbledore was a tactful man, he was glad he'd sat the fat man in the small chair; Everybody needs a little laugh sometimes.

.

"Get back here at once, Draco!" Lucius charged after his son, "Go back and apologize to Lord Parkinson!" Draco recoiled with disgust, "No father! I will not apologise to that oaf of a man! And I also refuse to marry his equally repulsive daughter. You want their money? Then _you _marry them, but leave me out of it." He turned on his heel and stormed into the Great Hall. Lucius billowed after his son. He reached his son before he had a chance to sit down; "Do not embarrass me Draco. We have a reputation to uphold." He whispered furiously in his bratty child's ear, but was interrupted by a rather dashing damsel.

.o.

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><p>"You looked like you just smelled a donkey's ass, Ron." Harry muttered to his ginger buddy. Ron snickered, "It got the job done though didn't it!"<p>

Harry jumped as the Great Hall doors were slammed open, he looked around to make sure nobody had noticed his fright. But he didn't need to be worried, all eyes were on Draco Malfoy who was charging towards the Slytherin table as though it was the 'X' on the pirate map. Harry's monobrow hit his hairline in shock when Lucius Malfoy stumbled after his snotty son. Suddenly, Harry had a brainwave;

Turning to Hermione, his face a vision of wonderment he said, "I have a dare for you." Her eyes grew larger, they held a mixture of excitement and wariness.

"I dare you to kiss Draco Malfoy."

Harry watched as her jaw dropped and she stuttered, "B-but he's with his _dad_." She looked downright terrified, not something Harry had seen in the 'new' Hermione, m-hmm he was enjoying this. She shook her head and her lips pursed stubbornly, but Harry nodded evilly, "A dare is a dare. Oh and you can't tell anybody it was a dare. If anyone asks, it was the way his fingernails were shaped that ignited the passion." When she didn't budge, Harry nudged her with his bony elbow and practically threw her off the table.

.

Hermione Granger flicked her hair back, straightened her robes and then walk smartly to where the Malfoys stood. Mr Malfoy looked up in surprise but she ignored him, she focused on his son. She winked at him and then threw her arms around the startled boy and planted her lips firmly over his, she was both surprised and repulsed when he responded and returned.

.o.

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><p><em>That's it! <em>Draco thought, when the Mudblood's lips smushed against his own. Now this,_ this_ was a statement, and would certainly piss his dad off. So he kissed the girl he'd sworn revenge on. He cracked one of his eyes open a bit and watched his father's horrified expression as he slid his arms around the Granger girl's slim waist. He chuckled, and then shut his eye when he remembered where he was. He pulled her nearer to him and peeked through his other eye at Pansy Parkinson who had covered her _beard _with a plastic bag. She looked close to tears. Draco was really enjoying this, but just as he was _really _getting to making the most, he was jerked away from the brunette.

"How _dare _you?" His father was addressing the Mudblood, "How dare you touch a pureblood with your _filthy _mouth?"

She glared at him and raised her head a little higher. _How impressive._ Thought Draco distantly. His father turned to him and if pissed off was what Draco had been going for this was the jackpot. He was aware that his expression should not have been triumphant, it should have been one of utmost displeasure. But Draco felt the overwhelming urge to break into song and dance. He returned Granger's wink, and snapped his fingers her way, "Anytime, baby."

His father hit the ground, and Draco stepped over his passed out body and bounded out of the Hall.

.o.

* * *

><p><em>I must get the taste of Malfoy <em>off _me. __I must get the taste of Malfoy _off _me. _Hermione Granger chanted over and over in her head, as she headed for the Prefect Bathrooms late in the night. She'd decided to go at this time because no one would be there and she could bathe in peace; _fuck _the curfew, the benefits far outweighed a detention. After the... _incident _with Malfoy she'd been pestered by almost every girl in Hogwarts, all wanting to know _why _she did it, _how _was it, and above all why on Earth Malfoy hadn't hexed her into the ground. But Hermione was in the dark too; before she got the chance to ask him he'd skipped _triumphantly _out of the room like the stupid ferret that he was.

Hermione stomped angrily into the Prefect's Bathrooms and turned the bath tub taps fully. She placed her wand in her bag and undressed slowly while waiting for the tub to fill, remembering how Mr Malfoy had fainted when Malfoy winked at her. She chuckled as she stepped into the warm water, the foamy bubbles conjured themselves. She sighed, and allowed her muscles to relax.

A creak. Her eyes flew open.

Malfoy stood directly in front of her, grasping a huge magical camera.

"Hello, Granger." SNAP! His camera flashed. Hermione screamed and pulled the bubbles to herself, trying to cover areas that one would want to cover in such a situation. Malfoy smirked, "Ohh, don't worry Granger, I got _a-all _of your ladyparts when you were stripping oh so slowly for me." Hermione flushed, although she'd returned to Hogwarts with a new confidence, she was not _that _confident!

"You pervert!" She shouted at him, "I never _stripped_ for you!" She said the word with the most venom she could muster, which (goes without saying!) was a damn lot. Malfoy snickered and sat on the tiles beside where she lay in the bath tub, "Oh but the pictures show a different story. And by tomorrow, _everybody_ will know _my_ version of events."

He examined his nails and then peered at her, trying to catch a glimpse through the foamy water. She shrieked and tried to pull more bubbles towards her. He laughed, "Unless of course, we make a deal." She huffed and stuck her nose in the air, she would never lower herself to make a deal with the devil, "No way, Malfoy." Her eyes narrowed hatefully, "I don't care what people think."

Malfoy shrugged his shoulders, "Just thought I'd give you the chance to keep your dignity... but you _are _a Mudblood so you probably don't even possess any." He stood up and SNAP! took another picture for good measure, "Ahh, I'm sure these will be in the Prophet and... oh Granger! You're grandmother will be so proud." Hermione watched him with disgust as he sauntered over to the exit doors, _I'll be gone for if Rita Skeeter gets her hands on those._

"Malfoy, wait!"

He turned around slowly, an ever growing smug smile on his proud face. "What is your offer, Granger?" She didn't even hesitate but her voice was bitter with hate;

"Anything."

Draco Malfoy's ear-to-ear grin extended into his blonde hair, _Revenge isn't just sweet, _he thought euphorically,_ it's the sweetest kiss with an aftertaste of bubble bath._

.o.

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><p><strong>Yeah, Draco deserves some wins after what I put him through in the last few chapters! xD<strong>

**But what could Mr Draco Malfoy ever possibly want from Hermione Granger?**

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**Have a happy dappy day  
>-faerie<strong>


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